The Olympics may be over, but we at New Australian Bulletin are always scheming how better to woke the planet. It struck us that even though the Olympics are woke, as with everything, they are not woke enough. For instance, white athletes still compete at the games.
If they continue to permit white athletes into the games, structural racism will persist. When the original Olympians came together in 776 BCE in Africa, white people had not yet emerged from the undergrowth. Therefore, the Olympic games are just another historical subject appropriated by racist white devils. But this is easily fixed.
Since the only events favouring black people involve running and jumping, we created a more socially relevant and inclusive competition. BIPOCS and LGBTQIZXFKLMD people, we give you the new schedule for the real Woke Olympics.
GOLD MEDAL TWERKING
Nothing expresses the femininity of a BIPOC’s enormous rump better than a hefty ‘boo’ gyrating to a mindless and repetitious urban beat. Only by watching jelly wobble can one experience the same pleasurable sensation. But jelly is racist because a white man named Peter Cooper patented it in 1845. He got the idea for portable gelatine after watching his slaves twerking on their annual ten-second break from cotton farming back in the days of Jim Crow. In this sense, it was cultural appropriation. Twerking is actually how women of colour attract their mate by raunchily presenting while on heat. But its origins go right back before the spoken word after women of colour developed agriculture and grew the first hot chilli peppers. It was their way of communicating anal distress to the tribesmen. The action so excited the males that it became a fertility ritual. Anyhow, we reckon that twerking should become a recognised athletic competition that women BIPOCs can grab gold at every time.
CHOKE-HOLD ENDURANCE OR THE CHAUVIN MANOEUVRE COMPETITION
All righteous men of colour will end up with their windpipe crushed under the knee of a racist white policeman at some point. For a dawg or brother, maintaining breathing at this moment is crucial if they are to return to a life of petty crime and provide for their homeboys. To that end, gyms shall open wherein enduring the knee while lying flat on the road will become an Olympic sport. The competition will grow from there and attract big money not only through sponsorship but gambling. Known as the Chauvin manoeuvre, it will honour Saint George Floyd, who died at the knee of an evil white cop named Derek Chauvin. Sober athletes get disqualified since testing positive for drugs is crucial. Competitors who cross the Styx during the competition will become instant saints and trigger riots across US cities. Gold winners will enjoy a proper celebratory knees-up afterwards. On the downside, players tend to get paid in counterfeit bills.
THE OLYMPIC CARJACKING EVENT
Carjacking is not only a desirable skill for BIPOCs escaping bastard cops, but it is a ripping sport. Replacing the earliest chariot races of the Afro-Roman Empire, the event will pit BIPOCs against privileged white owners of luxury motor vehicles. The objective is to be the fastest homie to jack a luxury vehicle by forcing out the petrified [white female] driver. Points are added for the more carnage the driver causes while evading police. The third leg of this three-stage contest involves the carjacker denying their guilt and accusing police of brutality. We call this the ‘dindu.’ This may sound straightforward to your typical bro, but it can get tricky. If, for instance, the perp leaves behind a drink bottle with their DNA or anything that may identify them later on, they lose points. Judges thoroughly check vehicles afterwards. All judges are homeslizzles, so complaints about ‘rayciss po po’ are irrelevant. If the white owner has left a baby behind in a child restraint – no, we had better leave it there.
THE INDIGENOUS SIT-DOWN ENDURANCE
A favourite among politicised Australian Aborigines, the sit-down involves literally sitting down and doing nothing for days on end in protest against stuff. Usually, they sit down somewhere inconvenient such as the middle of an outback road or an airport tarmac. Despite their natural advantage, the Chinese will provide them with the fiercest competition by doping (which is allowed) using downers and THC-laced fortune cookies. Plus, they know if they lose, their coach will harvest their kidneys. Athletes aggrieved by any aspect of their games experience can protest by continuing their sit-down. Organisers expect enthusiastic sponsorship from the makers of haemorrhoid treatments like Anusol.
THE FEMINAZI PLAY-STATION DEATH MARATHON
Cases of addicted gamers dying after days-long binges are not unknown. That is what we are hoping for when we drag these bug-eyed loafers out of their musty bedrooms and into an Olympic arena to see who can play the longest and attain the highest score on whatever life-wasting game is the buzz of the moment. But really, we are hoping they drop dead at their greasy PlayStation consoles. Since pain-in-the-arse feminazis killed the gaming world, it qualifies as woke because it is a bitches-only event.
THE OLYMPIC MONUMENT WOKE TEARDOWN CHALLENGE
Wokesters love tearing down statues of national heroes and historical figures that have stood for more than a century. It is how they combat police violence and institutional racism. In the Woke Olympics, they will get their chance to have a go at a proper monument. Skinny vegan anarchists and BLM drug dealers get sent to Mount Rushmore in the US, where they are given an adequate length of rope and dared to do their worst. Their task will be to pull down each of the four heads of the American Presidents sculpted into the mountainside. However, there is a hitch. Competitors are not allowed to leave until they have pulled down all four. Moaning about tiredness or unfairness or the impossibility of the challenge will fall on deaf ears, and anyone attempting to escape gets shot.
OLYMPIC JIHAD STABBING CONTEST
With a cry of ‘Allah Akbar, contestants in the Olympic Jihadi Stabbing Contest run into a crowded public area and attempt to stab as many infidels as possible before getting shot. Since paradise awaits for all who enters, none loses. But, in our slight variant on the challenge, contenders must use a rubber knife and will not reach paradise unless they succeed in actually killing the infidel. Olympic snipers are obligated to hold their fire until they identify the Jihadi. Since they wear an ISIS headband and traditional Arab thwab, it is a doddle. Unsurprisingly, more apply as snipers than Jihadis.
EPIC SPICE SMOKE CHALLENGE
Spice or K2 is synthetic cannabis which is significantly worse than marijuana. In many parts of the world, spice-smoking equals the abuse of OxyContin, or hillbilly heroin, as a scourge. Simply put, it can send the smoker mental. Abusers suffer fits, paralysis, hallucinations, and waste away. They can become extremely violent and regress to a reptile brain. Manufacturers laugh all the way to the Swiss bank. But, since we are proud capitalists at the Woke Olympics, we blame the user and not the dealer. Therefore, in our spice smoking challenge, bums, misfits, homeless people and assorted losers are tempted to the arena with all the Spice they can smoke. The crowd sits and watches as the smoker either flakes away in a drooling, writhing heap or else chews the face off his or her opponent during a horrific conniption. Since this is a spectator sport, the only winners are those who don’t touch the stuff.
OLYMPIC AIRBNB TRASHING
African refugees who arrive in Australia soon learn the only venues they are allowed into are Airbnb parties. Only a total mug would rent out their luxury pad to uncivilised strangers whose plan is to get psycho pissed and trash their valuable property for fun. Greedheads get what they deserve in this case. Nevertheless, to Africans, it is a sport. Hundreds of African youths pile into a beachfront property filled with liquor and Class-A drugs as the event commences. Those who consume the most drugs and alcohol and inflict the worst damage on the property win gold. Ironically, few scores even bronze as it is an inexplicable habit of frenzied Africans to stab each other wildly at Airbnb jamborees, so the majority end up bleeding on the curbside while survivors run away from the police.
Once upon a time, Australia was a Christian country. It swapped the Christian faith for multiculturalism and acquired a schizophrenic array of religions. Australia still genuflects at the altar of globalism and, as such, has embraced the COVID religion. The new place of worship is not a sanctified church but the COVID testing station and the holy jab hub. The high priests are our politicians. Infidels are those who refuse the jab. We thought it might be fun if we took this newfound orthodoxy and made it an Olympic competition. A COVID vaccination is like a holy wafer anyway; every time you attend communion, they give you one. Why the long wait between jabs? Those most dedicated to the COVID religion can fortify themselves with their god’s protection and win gold by receiving the most Pfizer jabs in five minutes. The gold medalist might need help onto the podium, and when he receives his medal, he resembles Pinhead from Hellraiser.
The West loves a people smuggler. How else could we maintain such a potent level of vibrancy and enrich our arteries with exotic fast food high in trans-fats? Without people smugglers, we would lack progressive social programs, and Woke itself might not exist. Woke owes everything to people smugglers and the logic they engender. So, in a tribute to the people smuggler, and as a test of their skill, the Olympics will schedule a two-phase trial of this enriching enterprise by attempting to smuggle the most illegal aliens in a simulated country that they can. In the first round, smugglers breach water borders by weighing down inflatable dinghies with the heaviest loads. For instance, a boat with 145 illegals scores higher than a starting cargo of 120. A heavy starting load does not guarantee victory. When a fake refugee drowns or dies of Typhus and gets thrown overboard, the smuggler loses points. Once ashore, the illegals scatter, and those who evade immigration officials make it to a meeting point where they undergo the next stage of the game. The smuggler crams as many illegals into a lorry or van as they can. They then race to be the first across a destination border. Again, a 40% attrition rate means a cargo weighs significantly less at the destination point. Likewise, not all make it as highway patrol or immigration may intercept a vehicle on the route. And because it is impossible to breathe in the van, which is locked tight with no air vents, a good few suffocates. Smugglers who transport the most illegals win gold and, as a bonus, a Nobel Peace Prize.