5 min 3 yrs

If you’re a white man, and you’re not Woke, or a homo, you might find it hard catching a movie or show that speaks to you.

That’s because everything on every streaming service, except for old Clint Eastwood movies, hates you.

White men are being written out of the modern cinema and small screen, except as support characters for empowered women, and boot-lickers for Alpha bucks. But that’s just the incessant crime genre if you do get passed that, through the dyke rom-coms and arthouse shit, you will find for some reason Bollywood films are now showcased on streaming services.

Bollywood movies are made on the same budget it takes to boil a pot of curry, and the acting, plots, cinematography all make the cheapest YouTube video seem professional. Indians cannot make movies, any more than Turks, or ‘other’ races whose lives disinterest us and whose pain, tears, suffering and joy can never entertain unless it’s real. We like laughing at Indians and seeing elephants crush them, but other than that their entertainment quotient is poor.

Anyway, this kind of intro would have me fired from a print publication if any still existed. The proof copy would have a red pen struck through the first five pars and the chief-sub would be glaring at me, asking me how I got the job. So, I’ll get to the point.

A new series (or film, it’s being reported as both, but we’ll just say series) is about to become available on Amazon Prime which is about as helpful during this period of racial unrest as passing out free petrol to looters. It’s called ‘Cracka’ and it’s a revenge story which brings to mind Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, and Django Unchained. What’s more, it’s being released on the made-up Negro holiday ‘Juneteenth’, just for maximum race-baiting effect.

The concept didn’t require a high level of imagination, just a consuming hatred of white people, or maybe even a desire to inflame both blacks and whites at this tense period. But it depicts a “parallel universe” in which whites are the captive slaves of blacks, a simple reverse-situation period piece where Jim Crow prefers watermelon to bourbon and whitey is Mandingo.

See, a “neo-Nazi with neo-Nazi tattoos” is transported back in time to an alternative world where he is the nigger. Subsequently, he is brutalised by black slave traders and made to pick cotton. It’s questionable whether blacks would even be pleased with this portrayal since it only makes them look like arseholes, which, pretty much they are. Still… The creator, the culprit, the artiste if you will, isn’t even black. No, he’s a white guy named Dale Resteghini, 51, who wants to be black. His WIFE is black, but he’s not, so that pretty much tells you everything.

His ‘career’ up to this point has been in making hip-hop and other music videos. He has made one crap film already, but this is his first ‘series’ (or the second film, again, it’s being reported as both). There is no big studio behind it, surprisingly, and it is apparently “independently funded”, which means paid for from the proceeds of narcotics sales. Amazon will be flogging it, but then you could make a 20-min feature about your idiot dog and Amazon would add it to their catalogue.

Naturally, we haven’t seen it, and never will. And while we should technically be pissed off about it, the truth is that it sounds so lame it will be lucky enough to make back the price of all the shwag they puffed in their ‘creative sessions’. No, our original point stands, it’s just another brick in the impenetrable wall that stands between a white man and entertainment. He cannot find anything today which isn’t deriding him, belittling him, or arguing that he is a racist waste of space. This is why we earnestly advocate ditching all the mainstream digital services and dusting off the DVD player. That way you can immerse yourself in as much John Wayne, James Cagney, and Ernest Borgnine as pleases you.

Besides, this Cracka plot is played — it was done much better 50 years ago with Charlton Heston. It was called Planet of the Apes. Come to think of it, just about every episode of Twilight Zone was like that, not to mention Star Trek.

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