Vegans are opinionated, fussy, shrinking violets. By all rules of a brave society, they are a feminising poison. We’ll just go ahead and say it, all vegans are homos!

We can accept vegetarians to a degree, but vegans, with their protests about tofu being cooked on the same grill as chops are quantum miles past annoying. In fact, we think it’s time to have them all killed.

But it’s not just the tofu that makes us want to murder them in their soya cots it’s the infuriating activism that comes with the lifestyle choice of becoming a vegan. Once you set down on the dietary path to becoming a vegan saving the entire world soon follows. Before you know it, you’re ranting like a homeless person at fishermen for disturbing the delicate balance of the wildlife; shrieking about how their fishing line might strangle swans.

Vegans campaigns are not only pretentious to the extreme but unpersuasive on a colossal scale. Their grievances are so weak in credibility that it’s obvious this is a generation that would complain about having nothing to complain about if there wasn’t the entire apparatus of society to find fault with.

Thus, according to vegans, meat-eaters are killing the planet. It started with the cavemen, obviously, but nowadays meat consumption, thanks to the mass commercialisation of the meat industry, is setting the doomsday clock forward. Apparently, it’s because the livestock, numerous as it must be for such production, create havoc with the feng shui of nature by breaking wind. The environmental impact of so much cattle farts, we are told, is causing the planet to heat up like a dry cleaner in a heatwave.

To this, we say, bull’s gas. The dinosaurs were immense beasts and just as plentiful as our cattle. They would roam around doing nothing all day but pigging out and pounding the earth’s canopy with their accumulated flatulence. But still, it required a stray comet shower to take out their age. It had nothing to do with their bottom burps choking up the sky and causing the planet to broil. Put forth to counter this bunch of a drugged-out, dippy vegan-perverts, it’s a contrary argument of quite impenetrable logic.

But it also shows that vegans are liars, who tell great fibs to try to force everybody else to be like them. To this end, they have to die.

You can’t take a vegan anywhere unless it’s to the rifle range, and even then, they’re hard to hit because there is so little meat on their bones that they make quite elusive targets.

But vegans, who are obsessed with bodily gases, are on a diet of such traumatic nuisance to the digestive system that the result is a fearful lack of control with their bowels which become quite irritated.

By comparison, a meat-eater with a full tummy has better satisfied his gastrointestinal facilities and is less likely to pass foul wind, unless of course, he’s eating processed meat. In which case, he’s very likely to die of cancer if the boffins have their facts straight. But when it comes to farting, nobody can touch a vegan for irritability of bowels, which is quite probably why they make such bothersome pests of themselves, due to an irrationality stemming from the innumerable deficiencies they suffer as a result of their life choices.

When put like this, killing them would be doing them a favour, but we don’t wish to do them any favours, which means killing them in a manner so inhumane it would invoke comparisons with the Holocaust ™.

Some ideas are, trapping them in nets, passing them into cages, and hauling them out into the countryside to churn up en masse in the threshers of combine harvesters. We could just as easily wait until we know they’re about to hold flash protests (perhaps by intelligence gained through infiltrating their circles and social media groups) then soak them down with watery anchovy paste pumped out of impact blasters. Maybe, send out invites to a giant vegan feast in which all the dishes are cooked through with pigs’ blood. And arsenic.

However, we prefer the idea of outright killing and so we’re more inclined to borrow from the terrorist handbooks and [the following content is censored in sympathy with the Right to Know movement] till their insides paint the walls like Christmas decorations.

You have to think of the irony, too; by slaughtering off the world’s vegans they’ll actually be sacrificing themselves for the environment according to their own logic so that’d be a mighty act on their part; all-be-it involuntary. As to using them for food, which we in NAB Towers tossed around for a while as an idea on the Soylent Green spectrum, we decided nah. There’s not enough meat on them.

But if we choose to keep the zoos open and stock them with soon-to-be-extinct animals like transsexuals, liberals, Greenies, feminists et al, then assuming they weren’t already eradicated in the initial blitz on vegans, what little meat they provide can go to feeding them.

Let us know how you feel about this.

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