We won’t lie to you, readers, a house brick is no sort of pet for a person. If you’re in need of an emotional support animal a house brick will provide little comfort and if you try to take it on a flight may get you arrested.
But just in terms of companionship, or wanting that ‘best mate’ which a panting, slobbering dog offers the closest your brick comes to possessing an emotion is solid stoicism.
The one thing a brick can do for you, however, it can defend you against a small group of muggers. It can also right any wrongs made against you in impertinent reflections by shop windows. If your nosy neighbours want a piece of you, you can learn their French louvres for the insolence. Flung at a sufficient speed with the right amount of strength a house brick could knock a rugby league front-rower to the ground with lethal force.
But as a pet… you won’t get much love. We don’t just say this with any kind of prejudice against bricks – we’re not objectists or anything – we just happen to think that they fail to qualify in that they lack all the necessary characteristics of a pet.
We apologise if this review reads like a series of negatives, but we’ve already explored the positives, and there isn’t that many.
For instance, taking your house brick for a walk, you’ll never find anything more reluctant. You’ll literally end up dragging it along the street. You’ll also do it harm because it will leave a long, zig-zagging chalk-mark, which is the brick’s body rubbing off on the pavement.
Bricks can’t show love like dogs, they don’t even show contempt like cats, they just sit there. If a sentient pet is what you need out of life, then stay away from a house brick. For those who hate cleaning up shit, and feeding a bottomless gut, then maybe the house brick is what you seek.
However, we won’t lie to you: it’s not normal to keep a house brick as a pet. Folks will stare at you funny, especially if you take it out in public, and if you pet it at home with hugs and tuck it into a basket with blankets you can eventually expect a visit from some people.