Feminists have finally scored a victory in the so-called struggle for ‘pay equality’ by making up the difference with Monopoly money.

Hasbro has just released a version of the game called Ms Monopoly “where women make more money than men.” Only, they are not asking the poor underpaid sisters for Monopoly money when they buy it.

The game begins with women starting off with $1900 in their coffers while men only get $1500. Women make $40 more for passing Go, and of course, they have no need for the Get out of Jail Free card, since they do anyway. And as for “equal pay”, forget it, this is a game promoting female supremacy. Indeed, this fully ‘woke’ game is loaded with millennial innovations. For instance, share rides replace railroads and WI-FI substitutes waterworks.

The lack-of-brains behind this chauvinistic boardgame, which is designed to brainwash our already automaton children, is Jen Boswinkel.

As senior director of global brand strategy at Hasbro, Boswinkel (imagine being called Boswinkel) gets paid stacks more than probably 98% of the men working there. This hasn’t stopped her having a (cough) monopoly on victimhood.

Currently, she also has a monopoly on reproductive rights, legal rights, the right to an education, and the right to being unreasonable without accountability. Also, she will live longer than most men since, unlike our poor unworthy brothers, she does not work in an occupation where she’s expected to die of a workplace fatality.

As a wretched and oppressed female, Boswinkel is also unlikely to be sent to die in a war, statistically less prone to commit suicide, has more money dedicated to research into her health than men, and will never be accused of “mansplaining”. For that matter, she won’t be accused of manspreading, and if she did sit with her legs spread wide on a bus or train seat, it would be considered a liberating posture.

She will never be asked to pee standing up.

Yet, the joke is on her since it so happens that Monopoly, the game, was actually invented by a woman. Yes, it was a feminist by the name of Lizzie Magie, who filed a patent for The Landlord’s Game in 1903. This went on to become the game most associated with the Patriarchy™.

We at the Patriarchy™ will make sure that women go on getting peanuts on the dollar for doing exactly the same work as men even if the human race migrates to Mars. And there’s a good reason for that because women are lousy at their jobs; they stink. Take Boswinkel for example, this crap game is destined for the cut-price aisle of Target, and she’s destined to be mauled alive by Hasbro’s shareholders.

Take away progressive platitudes from her and she’s got no ideas whatsoever. If Gloria Steinem hadn’t been born, she’d have come up with Unicorn Monopoly, or Horsey Monopoly, or something pathetically ‘feminine’ like that.

Somebody needs to mansplain to her that this is a man’s world, but it would be nothing without a woman or a girl.

After all, who else is going to do the washing and ironing? Not us, we are the Patriarchy™ (fade in evil cackle).

Evan Matthews

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