July 10, 2019


China now owns the lion’s share of Australia’s water market, according to the latest government figures.

Already in second place behind the United Kingdom for ownership of farmland, to quench that booty of parched acres they’ve seized more water rights than any other nation. Consequentially, experts have offered advice that is timely, if not obvious, saying that the markets should be more closely monitored.

We could leap in the air and pirouette around a sandcastle intoxicated with glee at such excellent pointers. Because here we were thinking that given how Australia is a perennially dry land suffering one of the longest droughts ever, NOT SELLING land or water is the smartest move. But no, we won’t question the boffins. Unarguably, you can sell such an invaluable resource as your nation’s water supply to our biggest threat in the region. Just be sure to keep tabs on what the little yellow bastards are doing with it; maintain a vigilant eye and all will be hunky-dory. Thank god for experts, eh.

After crunching the numbers, China owns a watershed 732 gigalitres of our precious wet stuff or 1.89 per cent of the marketed water. This is more than what Sydney Harbour holds, which is a paltry 500 gigalitres by comparison. In terms of ownership of rights, the Yanks are behind China with 720 gigalitres, and the Poms on 414 gigalitres. This is odd since Poms still aren’t keen on a shower, so perhaps they want it to mix their Johnnie Walker. Who knows? Nevertheless. The figures were provided by the ATO register of foreign ownership which is a fairly new deal set up to monitor our natural resources.

Concerns have been flagged, such as countries hoarding their water reserves so the price hikes, or storing it for weapons manufacturers such as those secret celestial companies working on the world’s biggest water balloon. But really, the boffins aren’t lying when they admit they really don’t know what it’s being used for. One assumes irrigating farmland, but if it becomes the subject of stockpiles for any future scenarios of world disaster, such as a crippling worldwide water shortage, then things might get a teensy bit hairy for Australians.

The chinks have already shown how in a situation of diplomatic negotiation their preferred method is to go straight to threat, such as when they sailed their shit boats into Sydney Harbour. And they’re currently following our navy around to spy on them, perhaps suspicious there might be massive supplies of baby formula aboard; another Australian resource the gooks have no shame about stripping from our mass provisioning.

Whatever, we know one thing, the Chinaman is so inscrutable that he’s never without a cunning plan. Our land, our water, our electricity, our baby formula and cosmetic supplies all play an important part in this devious plan, which almost certainly involves world domination, and the mandatory use of chopsticks in every western household.

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