Men are being chased out of every space that was ever their traditional province or place of refuge. It seems that today it is not acceptable for a bloke to hold bastion over any space: be it in representation in film, in the workplace, on the sports field, and even more crazily on the battlefield. Or so the optics used by media, and the emphasis placed by the forces of the organisations and departments governing those bodies suggests.

Nowadays, when running a story on ‘tradies’ it’s imperative to use an image of a woman tradie looking purposeful and self-reliant. Most of them get paid swags to hold up lollypop signs, which is admittedly hard yakka (sic), but that aside, reality must never give an inch to the narrative. The world of the tradie is now a woman’s space and you better get used to it, so they seem to be saying.

Oh, but never forget, this mysterious “pay gap” still needs addressing, whatever that mythical orifice of asymmetrical remuneration be.

The ‘gender imbalance’ in screen portrayals now holds that to counter any one-time customary portrayal of the sexes, men must now be relegated to a position of subordination in power structures. You see this in cop dramas where the bosses are all women, and, more often than not, women of colour: which equals two narratives for the price of one.

Meanwhile, men who are not black, are bumbling idiots with feeble characters desperately needing the guidance of a woman or a man of colour. Even then they’re usually a lost cause. Not so women; their strengths and virtues are limitless. But women in their portrayals get a free pass for character flaw since it’s all part of their human fallibility, something men aren’t entitled to because they’re just bad. 

Long now have women been portrayed with on-screen strength that laughably defies the suspension of disbelief with feats completely out of scale with their petite frames. Take, for instance, Anne Hathaway in The Dark Knight Rises. Hathaway ruined that movie, which was quite an accomplishment given the multitude of sloppy plot contrivances. Likewise, all these films which have anorexic models Kung Fu kicking the crap out of heavy duty linebackers… seriously.

Women are useless on the battlefield; you only have to ask any recruit. Anecdotal evidence tells how ‘the fairer sex’ is incapable of keeping up with men, and the dropout rate is huge. Sure, one or two women always earn the lads’ respect, but that isn’t keeping on a scale with the barmy ambitions of the recruitment drive. And let’s face it, the drive is all about women: just take a look at the See Yourself campaign, which isn’t interested in the realities that data from the boot camp should tell them in no uncertain terms. Nope, if they wanted an army filled with dead people, nothing would stop them projecting a dynamic light on the potential of dead people in the armed services. One glance at how the Australian Defence Force (ADF) is portrayed and you’re left asking yourself, ‘Will there ever come a time when the Force is politically correct enough to allow a man onto the battlefield?’

So, despite the fact that women in the Forces are rubbish, it’s more important for us to believe that they’re every bit as plucky – if not more so – than the men; who should be ashamed they’ve kept women out of the martial ranks lo these tens of thousands of years.

Now, don’t even get us started on women’s sport! And let’s not digress about how they’re even talking about abolishing gender restrictions so women can play alongside men. This is, of course, while remembering that nature has been wrong all these millennia and genders are, in fact, just a social construct. That will auger well when it’s now illegal to even yell out your support for a team, or razz a non-White player who isn’t pulling their weight on the field or whatever. Imagine sledging a woman player, who would be, in a mixed-gender sport, about as much use as a full amputee in a boxing match. Every light in the stadium would be trained on the hapless offender, and the chiding headlines would be written before he was even evicted from the ground.

So, women rule in academia, we are constantly reminded; women are gaining power in the workplace despite some non-existent pay gap which is argued to keep them becoming more equal every day; women are the heroes on the battlefield, on the sports ground, on the screen, on the music stage, and everywhere it would seem. Now, there is no talk about driving women out of their traditional places of solitude, but can there really be a club left which hasn’t been forced to alter its rules to include women members?

What spaces are left for men? If we found one, it’d be quickly spotlighted as a sexist hold-out and the feminist syndicate would be working furiously overtime to ensure that door was also levered open. And, once open, it would mean men having to leave in case one accidentally smiled at a female and incurred the wrath of the #MeToo movement., or that psycho fish-head misandrist Clementine Ford, who by our estimation, should be sprouting a full facial beard right about now.

We suggest, take a leaf out of Al Bundy’s book. Remember Married with Children, and ‘No ma’am?’ Well, that show was kind of cucked in that Bundy always relinquished to the ma’ams, but we propose #NotMe. It’s a holistic movement which just says no to anything women want, including life-saving operations, and rescuing from wifebeaters. It’s kind of nasty, but we feel it’s the only way to get our point across. Sure, at first, we’ll be vilified, hounded, and mocked unceremoniously, but we’re men, we have thick hides. The point we’ll be making very clear is that no woman in her right mind would want to come anywhere near us unless she has her tits out for the boys.

And that, readers, is the natural (reaction) to the (current) order of things.

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